Calladitas No More

20 Of The Worst Pickup Lines Latinas Are Tired Of Hearing

Pickup lines. Catcalling. Street Harassment. We’ve all been subjected to the worst of it out there, and somehow it never works but keeps happening. The truth is, if you need a weird name for the kind of way you are talking to women, odds are it isn’t what we want.

How do you we know it doesn’t work? Well, simply put, it’s been around for a long time and no one has ever looked back at their lives and named it as the pivotal point in their long-term happy relationship.

Whatever the men out there are thinking when they throw these tired lines at us, we’ve been hearing them for a long time and we can all bond over the sad gross history of it all together here today.

20. ¿Hablas español?

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Usually delivered in the worst Anglo accent ever, this gross comment gets shot at you while you’re deliberately ignoring el idiota in question.

Newsflash: Even if google translate was needed here I guarantee your hot take would go nowhere because who would ever respond to this annoying approach to talking to a woman.

19. Where are you from?

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Now there are reasons why I would answer this question or even ask it in a healthy conversation with other people of color or immigrants. We share travel stories together because they help us bond. But this question coming up unprompted from a stranger as a pickup line? Ummm no.

The xenophobia and fetishization present are too much to make it appropriate as a first-time line.

18. So are you mixed? What are you mixed with?

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This one is gross and usually delivered by a man who has a fetish for fascist race science. Yes, many Latinas are in fact mixed race. However, this question isn’t posed by some intellectual historian with genuine interest for our cultural histories. Rather, it’s posed by some fetishist who dreams that our darker skin is part of the world trade routes delivering spices and sugar directly to his peen. Never, ever gonna happen.

17. Uuuu, you’re so spicy!

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You know the stereotype. Latina Women are supposed to be like Latinx food! Even though a huge swath of Latin America doesn’t really have a lot of spicy cuisines (trust me, my family is from El Salvador and I have the weakest spice tolerance ever). Odds are these men don’t even want a girl who is “spicy” whatever that means and can barely handle black pepper on their bland mayo sandwich.

16. I studied in Mexico/Guatemala/Costa Rica for a year once!

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Hello gross student man! I am glad you have accidentally been in one of the many Spanish-speaking countries that exist for a short period of study! Unfortunately, I and many other Latinas do not have the privilege of going back to our home countries ever because we don’t have the financial resources. Kindly never ask me about why I haven’t returned to my significantly less peaceful country of El Salvador/The Dominican Republic/Brazil again!

15. I like Latinas because they are more traditional and submissive.

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But you’re wrong! One thing I’ll have you know is that the stereotype of good Latina wives who give birth to a row of children, go to church, and obey their husband is dated and toxic. Our grandmothers may have given you this impression from brief glimpses in movies and books, but never forget: they also probably poisoned their husbands and joined leftist uprisings. Sorry if that is not the “spicy” but also “obedient” woman you were hoping for.

14. I like thick Latinas.

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I won’t even get into how many “non-thick” Latinas exist. I’m just going to say, as a thick Latina, that will never, ever happen. Never. You can grow your own ass to grab.

13. Teach me Spanish!

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There are so many Latinas who don’t speak Spanish. But before I go there, I’ll also say there are even more Latinas in and out of the U.S. who don’t get the privilege of learning fluent English. As English-speaking Latinas in the U.S., we have a distinct privilege over those women, often our cousins, mothers, and grandmothers who will never get the same opportunities we do. And even so, I would never, ever want to use that privilege to teach a misogynist dude to speak another language.

Anyway, Duo Lingo is free. Bye!

12. Have you ever been with a white guy?

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Why yes, I do hate myself! And no, not enough to hook up with you.

11. Anything including the word “Mamacita”

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Any man who is can manage to call you a mamacita unprompted in public is embarrassing enough to avoid completely. We’ve all heard it. We all know we’re done with it.

10. So can you cook?

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So many men want to know: can Latinas cook? Although many of us can cook, no one wants to date someone who expects them to make pupusas or tamales every night. After all, you don’t see us asking if you can make homemade mayo, do you?

9. How did you learn English? You can barely hear your accent!

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Pointing out that a Latina speaks okay or great English is never a compliment. Why do they assume all Latinas are learning English as a second or third language, even though doing so is impressive. Instead of commenting on someone’s English-language abilities, dudes should mind their own business instead. I also answer this in my clearest California accent, “Sorry I don’t speak English.”

8. How do you feel about the wall?

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In the ever turbulent Trump universe, people you don’t know are often a little too excited to ask you how the imaginary wall Trump is going to magically make Mexico pay for makes you feel. It assumes we are ready and eager to discuss racism and xenophobia with random people we may not know very well. I also like to respond to this one with, “Who is Donald Trump?” and “What wall?” forcing them to talk and allowing me to look at my phone or walk away.

7. “Cerveza por favor” or any other random Spanish sentence you learned in middle-school Spanish.

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If you don’t speak Spanish, what makes you think someone wants to hear your random catchphrase from that decades-old lesson you took? While it may be funny to you to ask us where the library is for the 50th time or demand a beer, it makes me wish I could hate someone to death as easily as our lack of universal health care does. I also like to stare blankly with this one and again in my clearest American accent say “Sorry I don’t speak English.”

6. Are you friends with that other Latina from work/school?

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Although this is another case of “do all the brown people know each other” disease, it is also a step and a jump away from “are all the brown people the same person” disease, which is incurable and can also be responded to with “Sorry I don’t speak English,” just like nearly everything random men say.

Even if you know who that other Latina is, say no to avoid having him ask you questions about what the secret society of brown women does on the weekends.

5. Did you have a quinceañera?

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

I am 30 years old and I still get this one. Men generally don’t need to know about my adolescence when I first meet them and they don’t need to know about my future either since at this point I am aiming for the exit or a window to throw myself out of. Don’t feel obligated to explain to them that not all Latinas celebrate quinceaneras or that you may have been too embarrassed to have one because you didn’t want judgment from your American peers at the time.

4. I bet you know how to move.

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Some of these are definitely stereotypes disguised as compliments. Yes, Latinas often have more rhythm than the average alabaster menace, but that doesn’t mean we want to dance with this gringo in particular.

3. You are so FIESTY!

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Nothing like a racialized idea of empowerment turned sexual innuendo to turn you off for the rest of your life. If you aren’t tired of this one, I can point you to 20 women who are.

2. So what’s the best taco place around?

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There is something especially odd about men who immediately put “foreign” women in charge of their culture’s food — in their minds. If they suspect you’re Mexican, they’ll ask you where the best tacos are in town. If you’re Salvadoran they’ll ask you where to get pupusas. There is usually the whisper of something “authentic” in this as if you have some secret knowledge to the taco-universe that they don’t. I usually tell them to use Google and ask them to leave me alone with this one.

1. Any offer to marry you for “papers” even as a joke.

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First of all, I would rather move to a different state than marry 99.9% of the creeps who think this is funny. Second, it presupposes the residency status of the woman in question. Stop assuming we’re all immigrants. Stop assuming we want to marry you for American citizenship or residency. Stop talking to us. Actually just stop talking! Leave women alone #2k18. And thank you for coming to my TED talk.

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