It’s hard to believe that almost twenty years have passed since we officially exited the best decade ever–and by that, we mean the 90s, of course. For many millennials, it feels like only yesterday that we were at home, flipping through TV channels trying to land on “Rugrats”. Or better yet, at school, arguing with our friends over who got to be Posh Spice this time during recess.
But as the old saying goes, hindsight is 20/20, which means that we now know we weren’t quite living our best lives yet in the ’90s. In light of this, we compiled a list of all the unfortunate lies millennials told themselves during the ’90s. Take a look below!
1. That Putting These Beads on Your Bike Meant You Were a Badass
If we were forced to get around on two wheels, then you better believe it was going to be with style. Once we snapped these beads onto our spokes, the neighborhood kids knew better than to mess with us. Move over, Hell’s Angels!
2. That Christina Aguilera Was Going to Recruit You as Her Choreographer
Like any self-respecting pop lover in the ’90s, we were 100% certain that once Xtina caught a glimpse of the “What A Girl Wants” dance routine we created with our BFF, she would pretty much beg us to tour with her. We even knew what Limited Too outfit we would wear onstage.
3. That The “Carmen San Diego” Show Wasn’t Just An Elaborate Ploy To Make Kids Learn Geography
“Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego” was such an entertaining show that it took us a few years to realize we were actually learning from the iconic TV series. *shudder* If we had known that at the time, there’s no way we would’ve been half as invested in this wily woman’s whereabouts.
4. That You Were Eventually Going to See Wilson’s Whole Face in “Home Improvement”
Ax children in the 90s, it never even occurred to us that we would never get to see Wilson’s whole face in “Home Improvement”. We always just assumed that the makers of the TV show were too stupid to realize how annoying it was that he was always half-hidden. How wrong we were.
5. That Winning This Game Required Both Skill and Cunning
If we won a game of “Hungry Hungry Hippo” and we were up against a particularly competitive sibling or classmate, there was no convincing us that we weren’t a child prodigy with an IQ to rival Einstein’s.
7. That This Shampoo DIDN’T Burn Your Eyes Out of Their Sockets
Marketed as “Tear Free Shampoo and Haircare”, this”kid-friendly” formula promised to be a sting-free alternative to our Madre’s Pantene. And even when this shampoo made our eyes burn like fire, we refused to admit that it didn’t live up to its promise. I mean, the bottle was shaped like a fish! How could we doubt a product like that?
1. That You And AC Slater Were Destined to Be Together
Back in the ’90s no other boy on TV fulfilled all of our fantasies more than A.C. Slater. Played by the extremely charismatic Mario Lopez, watching “Saved By the Bell” was really just an excuse to drool over our be-dimpled Latino novio. Back then, we were convinced that we would one day be going by “Mrs. Slater”. On our wedding day, A.C. would wear a muscle-shirt (and a bow-tie), of course.
8. That You Were Brave Enough to Watch “The Witches” Without Having Nightmares For Days
As kids, there’s nothing we longed for more than to prove to everyone how grown-up we were. In this case, we thought that being grown-up meant sitting through a horrifying movie about witches with disturbing special effects.
9. That Picture Books Counted Towards Your Pizza Hut Book It! Rewards
There’s no way kids today could get away with “earning” a free personal pan pizza by “proving” that they “read” a certain amount of books for the month. Back in the day, this claim was an exaggeration at best and a downright lie at worst. But the pizza–now that was always delicious.
10. That You Were Safe Playing on These Death Traps
Parents of kids in the ’90s weren’t helicopter parents in the same way they are today. ’90s parents were willing to risk all sorts of potential injuries just for the chance at a few precious moments of peace.
11. That This Excuse For a Meal Was Actually Tasty
It took a fair bit of begging to get our parents to buy a Kids Cuisine. And then, after rushing home to nuke this colorful meal, we’d bite into it to be…underwhelmed (to put it lightly). But kudos to the Kid Cuisine marketing team for convincing us that this bland mush was worth the money.
12. That Wearing Candy-Flavored Smackers Was Practically the Same Thing as Makeup
As a young girl in the ’90s, collecting Lip Smackers was a right of passage. It meant you were almost adult enough to wear makeup–even if that “makeup” was actually just over-priced glittery lip-balm that tasted like Starbursts. Some even came with key chains!
13. That The “Wishbone” Dog Was Happy to Dress Up in Elaborate and Ridiculous Costumes
Spoiler Alert: He wasn’t. Although we loved watching this adorable Jack Russel Terrier dress up as Sherlock Holmes and Robin Hood, there’s no way Soccer the Dog (yes, that was the dog’s real name) enjoyed the constant wardrobe changes.
14. That Butterfly Clips Would Never Go Out of Style
Being a little girl in the ’90s meant never having to worry about our bangs getting in our eyes–we had enough butterfly clips to remedy that situation. The thought of butterfly clips going out of style never crossed our minds. What other alternative was there? Surely not something as boring as bobby pins?
15. That This TV Show Was Appropriate for Kids
’90s animated show “Rocco’s Modern Life” was so full of innuendo and double-entendres that it has since become infamous for its hidden adult content. But as naive children, “Rocco’s Modern Life” was as innocent to us as any other Saturday morning cartoon.
16. That Pencil-Thin Eyebrows Looked Good
Out of all the horrible decisions people made in the ’90s (we’re looking at you, Bill Clinton), giving in to the “pencil thin brows” trend is definitely up there. In 2019, we understand that bushy Frida brows are really beautiful.
17. That Salem from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” Looked Anything Remotely Like a Real Cat
It’s possible that we were hyper-gullible as children, but for some reason, we always assumed Salem from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” was a real cat. Yeah, we knew he didn’t actually talk in real life, but we thought that maybe the cat was just trained to convincingly move its lips!
18. That These Were Too Delicious To Be REAL Vitamins
As children, we equated taking vitamins with watching our grandparents swallow a pharmacy’s worth of horse pills with their evening meal. We always liked to think that eating Flintstone’s Vitamins wasn’t really good for us–it was just candy that was smart enough to trick our parents!
19. That Collecting Beanie Babies Would One Day Make You Rich
We don’t know who got it into our minds in the ’90s that our Beanie Baby collection would eventually pay for our future self’s crippling student loan debt. But, whoever pulled that off owes us about $650,000. Plus interest.
20. That Stringy Bangs Were the Epitome of Effortless Cool
@giguerehair / Instagram
Up there with chunky highlights and black lip liner, stringy bangs were a 90s staple that seemed trendy and edgy. Back then, nothing seemed more stylish than completing your hairstyle with two skinny strands framing either side of your face. How little we knew.
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