Things Every Peruana Eats, Drinks And Does At Her World Cup Party
Every Peruvian with a beating heart and a love for soccer has been trembling with excitement since Peru qualified for the World Cup in a win against New Zealand. Of course, we already go ham every World Cup, but now that our team has made it through, we’re on the edge of our seats.
Still, even despite the fact that this World Cup is taking place in 2018, many men can’t help themselves when it comes to questioning Latinas and our devotion to the game. Sure, for as long as I can remember, my ma and my tías have been the ones in the kitchen at every World Cup party, furiously prepping food, while my tíos chilled outside with the beer and meat. But don’t get it twisted, machismo and the like be damned, Peruanas go just as crazy when it comes to rooting for a World Cup win.
Yeah, you can catch us in the kitchen making the ceviche but you best believe you’ll soon see us in the living room, screaming louder than anybody else when Cueva screws up a penalty kick.
Here are eight things that many of us extreme Peruana soccer fans experience during the World Cup.
1. Guys prep for stats quizzes, but mijo, you’re wasting your time.American Idol / Fox via Giphy
Yes, I have a favorite player. Yes, I know his jersey number. Yes, I I know the last time Peru played in a World Cup. Yes, yes, yes now cállate and let me watch the game boi.
2. I get shit for calling it soccer. I say, you need to move on.Giphy.com
Oh “real Latinos” call it football? Good to see you’re still struggling to come up with the times, bro.
3. Oh, you think I only watch to see some ass? Cute.radioexitosape / Instagram
While you have your eyes set on the screen watching for tetas during crowd shots I’m putting in some real work and crossing my fingers that Guerrero wreaks some havoc.
(And FYI yes, I did notice that bum is looking super worked out this year. So what?)
4. Ceviche is all the morning after power fuel my World Cup party needs.Vivo.com / Giphy.com
The INCAN Superfood, and the rest of y’all fakers that say it’s not originally Peruvian can TAKE SEVERAL SEATS. Lime, cilantro, onions, salt, fish…I mean, could you ask for anything better? Pro-tip: If you down too many brews during the game, drink the Leche de Tigre (aka the delicious, lemony broth) before bed and the next morning for breakfast. Instant hangover remedy. Thank me later.
Oh yeah, a little camote, a little choclo…Sew. Gewd.
5. P.S. I’ll be downing Alcoholic Libations like a real dama.Credit: Naomi Villagomez Roochnik
Fallen soldiers of the first half.
Step aside, muchachos, and let the ladies show you how a real Peruvian keeps the World Cup party going. The thing is, if we’re going to be dedicating ourselves to something other than the game you better believe it’s gonna be the pescado and carne. So we go for beer. So. Much. Beer. And non of that fancy craft nonsense either. Good beer. Well…OK beer. Let’s be real, it’s Corona. Common misconception: Peruvians drink pisco sours. Huh? I mean, maybe if we’re having a super special gathering and we’re trying to impress that one bougie tía, but pisco sours require work and time and…whipping egg whites?
Gimme las cervezas.
6. And you better believe I’ll be hoovering the carne.Boin / Giphy.com
You know we’re getting our parrilla on! Yep, the fools on the couch might be chill with subscribing to their assigned male gender norms but what they don’t know as that those of us cooking it up in the kitchen are delighting in first dib taste testings. Oh yeah, we’ll also be kindly whipping up enough meat to send each attendee home with a nice, full to-go plate (because if your guests can’t take leftovers, did you even throw a real party??).
BTW: Ignore judgment from foodies that say the steak is supposed to be rare… Real Peruvians cook their meat crispy and well-done.
7. Corn is everything when it comes to our World Cup meals. Don’t get it twisted.Credit: Naomi Villagomez Roochnik
Cancha AND choclo! Cancha is this delicious, salty toasted corn, that’s kinda like the middle stage between a kernel and a popcorn. Such crunch, much yum. Serve that with a little queso viajero. Also, choclo. I think wypipo call it “maize” or “hominy” or something? Whatever, it’s like regular corn on steroids and it’s so much more satisfying to eat because you can literally pop giant, starchy kernels into your mouth at a time! Also, serve it with a side of queso viajero.
Choclo and *raw* cancha. Warning: DO NOT EAT CANCHA LIKE THIS. You will crack a tooth.
8. Yes, those are my tíos screaming at the TV screen.Credit: Naomi Villagomez Roochnik
I have no photographic evidence of the screaming because I’m sorry but I WAS SCREAMING TOO, THERE’S NO TIME FOR PICS DURING THE HIGH STAKES MOMENTS (Thanks a lot, DENMARK). Instead, please enjoy cute Peru-swag pictures:
9. And yep, THOSE are my tías doing it even better.Naomi Villagomez Roochnik
TFW you wanna watch the game but someone needs to cook the rice… Pour one out for all the tías and ma’s out there who keep us fed
Feliz partido to my Peruanas waking up early to catch the game on Thursday! Vamos Perú!
10. Inca Kola:pureperu / Instagram
I think deep down we all know this shit is nasty. It’s Peruvian Mountain Dew. Neon yellow, sickly sweet, tastes like… bubble gum? Still, this is the nectar of our childhoods, and I’ll be damned if I don’t serve it at every party. The adults have Corona, the kids have Inca Kola.
11. Chicha Moradatotorabcn / Instagram
Speaking of sickly sweet beverages, this liquid corn goodness is the original purple drank. You boil purple corn with cinnamon, cloves, lemon, and sugar and you’re rewarded with this tasty refreshment. It’s sort of like Peruvian sweet tea. You can buy this in bottles, like we did for convenience’s sake this past Saturday, but the real OGs (aka my mom) boil their own.
12. Carbs on carbs on carbs:aromasbrasa / Instagram
There will be rice AND corn AND maybe even some yuca too, and there will absolutely, undoubtedly, without question be POTATOES. Orange camote, yellow camote, purple papa, yellow papa, white papa…we’ll eat it all. Fry it, boil it, chop it up, dehydrate it, rehydrate it, stuff it, put a wig on it and take it to prom, WE DON’T CARE. Show me a Peruvian that doesn’t eat potatoes and I’ll show you a traitor.
13. Peruvian chickenbrasaskb / Instagram
If you haven’t been blessed enough in your life so far to have tried pollo a la brasa, why are you still reading this? Go, now, immediately, to your nearest Peruvian joint and order pollo a la brasa and prepare yourself for crispy, salty, mouth-watering chicken heaven. American rotisserie chicken should be ashamed of itself knowing there is such a superior chicken on this earth. Now, this chicken is legit hard to make. Unless you have a roasting spit in your home, you’re gonna get this from a restaurant. A classic Villagomez move: order this, pick it up, and place the chicken in a fancy crystal dish. Nobody’s REALLY gonna believe you made it yourself but it’s slightly less tacky than serving it in the styrofoam it came in. That being said, my mom served the chicha in Halloween paper cups, so I guess she shouldn’t really care about tackiness.
14. Kitchen chismemitú
Anything juicy and/or nasty and judgemental is being said in here as potatoes are peeled and onions are chopped. My tía straight up called my Mom fat very matter-of-factly (“si que te has engordado mucho, no?” to which my mom responded, “si, y tu también, no?”). Yeah, it’s kind of weirdly patriarchal and antiquated that all the women are in the kitchen, but at least you get to hear the best shit talking. Until it’s directed at you, of course.
15. Weird furniture.mitú
There will be too many people in the living room and not enough couch space. Not a problem! Bring in the lawn chairs and old, plastic folding chairs! If you are under the age of 12, don’t even THINK about taking a seat anywhere but on the floor, because you have not earned the right to comfort yet. And don’t worry about spilling food on the couch if you leap up during an important play: of course, every last piece of furniture is draped in protective covering. In our case, it’s long sheets of polka dotted fabric. So chic.
16. Short people.Credit: Naomi Villagomez Roochnik
Pretty sure not a single one of my tios is over 5’4, and my tias are goblin sized. We were cursed to walk this earth as small folk, BUT we get the last laugh because we pay less for our kids-sized shoes. Your move, tall people.
My mom’s tiny foot and my brother’s paw compared to a non-Peruvian appendage
17. Random Peruvian Trinketshennadjane / Instagram
Llamas, alpacas, dolls, and, of course, Tumis, our version of bling. No, it’s not some weird voodoo god, it’s an Incan thing, you wouldn’t understand.
18. People staying way after the game is over.mitú
Some relatives might even spend the night if they’ve hit the bottle too hard. Don’t be alarmed if you see a snoring tio on the couch the next morning. He’s just sleeping off the Peru loss.
19. No dessert.ponypig28 / Instagram
This ain’t no dinner party! Since there’s no real set time for lunch, people just sort of grab food as it’s ready or as they’re hungry. Dessert signifies the end of a party. This party has no end. People will still be eating plates of meat and rice at 9PM. One of my tíos did bring a package of alfajores to the Saturday game, but it wasn’t saved for the end of the meal.
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