It is a stereotype that all Latinas are hairy. Despite what others might think, some of us do walk through life with skin as slick as a dolphin’s never having to endure the last minute tasks of having to remove facial hair or laboriously having to tweeze a uni.
However, I am not one of these types of Latinas.
Nope. Not me. As a hairy AF Afro-Latina, I’ve got quite a few years of dynamic grooming practice under my belt. Truth be told, I’ve endured life’s various body hair removal procedures since before I was in middle school. Back in the early days, things were a bit more simple. First, it was a little tweeze between my eyebrows, a little lip rip at a wax salon. But the more hair I sprouted, the more I was encouraged to remove and control. Eyebrow trims and arm shaves evolved into full-on brow groomings and leg hair removal sessions.
Soon enough, I started adding bikini waxes onto my hair grooming routine opening up my life to a new world of hurt. The truth is, while I appreciate things down south a lot more after a wax (and that’s my prerogative), the process of bikini waxing can be the absolute WORST, especially because I’m a particularly hairy Latina.
If I’m being honest, at times the pain can be so bad that it feels both psychological and physical. And it all starts well before I set my bare bum on that crinkly white paper and bare all to a complete stranger. In fact, it all starts weeks before the session, when I call in to make the appointment where…
I’m asked a ton of SUPER personal questions by a complete stranger over the phone.
“When you say Brazilian do you mean you want your back done too?”
Me: “My back?”
Them: “Yes. Your hole. Your crack? The deepest corner of your bum?”
Me: ???????????? mhm sure okay bye. Click.
And when I finally get to the salon, I’m immediately greeted with a request to strip.
Which when you think about it is a pretty odd way to start a first encounter with anyone.
No doubt, every time this starts off with a disaster because I always forget to not wear a romper or a body suit.
CREDIT: “Chelsea Handler Show” / Netflix
YEP. Nothing says vulnerable like being naked AF in a cold room and having to put your totico in a stranger’s face.
Soon enough, my waxer can’t help but verbally take note of how hairy I am.
CREDIT: Netflix / Giphy.com
You don’t know the meaning of humbling until you find yourself spread eagle and being asked if you take hair growth vitamins.
And I’m not trying to be a Llorona, but the first time the wax touches my skin it always feels like its the WORST.
CREDIT: “Do The Right Thing” / Universal Pictures
And if it’s really really hot? The burn can be so bad I break into a hot sweat.
Like, can you imagine what it’d feel like if el diablo licked you with his tongue?
D da da da dat uh like that.
And because I’m so hairy, but know I can’t cry, I end up trying to act like a totally chill little pendeja.
CREDIT: Schitt’s Creek / CBC
“Thanks so much for taking the time to do this!” I say right after a complete stranger rips the life out of my kooch.
And then my esthetician ends up going ham because she thinks I have a high pain tolerance.
CREDIT: Telenovela / NBC
Just when I think we’re almost done (and I’ve passed out from her tweezing)…
She then can’t help but remind me of how hairy she thinks I am by asking if I want more done… like my cheeks.
CREDIT: “The Bachelor” / ABC
“The ones on your face!” she laughs later.
*Which, LBR, is not a whole lot better.*
And Despite living a life where I buy into societal demands and remove my body hair like it’s my job…
CREDIT: Reddit.com / Giphy.com
Sometimes I feel like my body hair fuels this industry.
That’s where I draw a hard line and get TF on out of there.
“West Side Story” / United Artists
And you better believe I take my fuzzy face cheeks with me!
And while it was a complete journey and I’ve walked out with more than just my hair missing…
CREDIT: Warner Bros.
I do leave feeling like part of me has literally been reborn. (And TBH with the ammount of money I spend on a session I should be.)