Every Time I Get A Brazilian Wax I Can’t Help But Feel Like I’m The Little Ciervo In ‘Bambi’
It is a stereotype that all Latinas are hairy. Despite what others might think, some of us do walk through life with skin as slick as a dolphin’s never having to endure the last minute tasks of having to remove facial hair or laboriously having to tweeze a uni.
However, I am not one of these types of Latinas.
Nope. Not me. As a hairy AF Afro-Latina, I’ve got quite a few years of dynamic grooming practice under my belt. Truth be told, I’ve endured life’s various body hair removal procedures since before I was in middle school. Back in the early days, things were a bit more simple. First, it was a little tweeze between my eyebrows, a little lip rip at a wax salon. But the more hair I sprouted, the more I was encouraged to remove and control. Eyebrow trims and arm shaves evolved into full-on brow groomings and leg hair removal sessions.
Soon enough, I started adding bikini waxes onto my hair grooming routine opening up my life to a new world of hurt. The truth is, while I appreciate things down south a lot more after a wax (and that’s my prerogative), the process of bikini waxing can be the absolute WORST, especially because I’m a particularly hairy Latina.
If I’m being honest, at times the pain can be so bad that it feels both psychological and physical. And it all starts well before I set my bare bum on that crinkly white paper and bare all to a complete stranger. In fact, it all starts weeks before the session, when I call in to make the appointment where…
I’m asked a ton of SUPER personal questions by a complete stranger over the phone.
Like…
“When you say Brazilian do you mean you want your back done too?”
Me: “My back?”
Them: “Yes. Your hole. Your crack? The deepest corner of your bum?”
Me: ???????????? mhm sure okay bye. Click.
And when I finally get to the salon, I’m immediately greeted with a request to strip.
RCAWhich when you think about it is a pretty odd way to start a first encounter with anyone.
No doubt, every time this starts off with a disaster because I always forget to not wear a romper or a body suit.
“Chelsea Handler Show” / NetflixYEP. Nothing says vulnerable like being naked AF in a cold room and having to put your totico in a stranger’s face.
Soon enough, my waxer can’t help but verbally take note of how hairy I am.
Netflix / Giphy.comYou don’t know the meaning of humbling until you find yourself spread eagle and being asked if you take hair growth vitamins.
And I’m not trying to be a Llorona, but the first time the wax touches my skin it always feels like its the WORST.
“Do The Right Thing” / Universal PicturesAnd if it’s really really hot? The burn can be so bad I break into a hot sweat.
Like, can you imagine what it’d feel like if el diablo licked you with his tongue?
D da da da dat uh like that.
And because I’m so hairy, but know I can’t cry, I end up trying to act like a totally chill little pendeja.
Schitt’s Creek / CBC“Thanks so much for taking the time to do this!” I say right after a complete stranger rips the life out of my kooch.
And then my esthetician ends up going ham because she thinks I have a high pain tolerance.
Telenovela / NBCJust when I think we’re almost done (and I’ve passed out from her tweezing)…
She then can’t help but remind me of how hairy she thinks I am by asking if I want more done… like my cheeks.
“The Bachelor” / ABC“The ones on your face!” she laughs later.
*Which, LBR, is not a whole lot better.*
And Despite living a life where I buy into societal demands and remove my body hair like it’s my job…
Reddit.com / Giphy.comSometimes I feel like my body hair fuels this industry.
That’s where I draw a hard line and get TF on out of there.
“West Side Story” / United Artists
And you better believe I take my fuzzy face cheeks with me!
And while it was a complete journey and I’ve walked out with more than just my hair missing…
Warner Bros.I do leave feeling like part of me has literally been reborn. (And TBH with the ammount of money I spend on a session I should be.)
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